checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
