How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
you had me at cake vodka
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
