Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
