That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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