we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
