Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
