I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
