He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So much rum. So many feels.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
