I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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