he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
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I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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