ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
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I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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