In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
