my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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