did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
