Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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