My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
