If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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