Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
