dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I think i got beer on your cat.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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