So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
