I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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