I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
