when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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