I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
