My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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