i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
