He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
