you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
nutella sex= disaster
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
