I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
