Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
