I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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