I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
