I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
