Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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