This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
