my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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