I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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