I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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