I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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