Old men and throwing up are my life now.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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