Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize