hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
