im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
