So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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