Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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