She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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