just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
