she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Randomize
