There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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