i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
