So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
This baby is an asshole
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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