I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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