I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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