So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
