make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
