Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
