and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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