I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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