just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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