I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
