she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
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i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
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I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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