My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She told me I should be a condom model.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
