You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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