so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
