No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
