I will die if light touches me.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
